Alright, this is too funny not to post here. My buddy Pat from the OAR message board has been writing bios for other members of the board, based on some facts and making up the rest. Well after much demand he started working on my bio and is releasing it in phases. This is the first part of my own biography…
The Legend of Ed Paff Jr. (abridged from the full legend of Ed Paff Jr, later re-named The Odyssey written by Homer)
Forward: Throughout the ages, very few men have attained the status of Hero. Fewer still could be called Legends. Only one man, Ed Paff Jr. has the ability to not only be a legend, but to be worshipped as a new God. One day children will kneel before the statue of the man called Ed and praise the name of Paff, drinker of alcohol, loser of shoes, and collector of girls whose names begin with the letter K. Mostly, however, he will ever be known as The Creator?of oarsa.org, the Bible for all who listen to the band OAR. Long after Ed ascends on his flaming chariot into the heaven reserved only for the truly gifted, his work, oarsa, will continue to be available as the resource for all things OAR. God Bless Ed Paff Jr., you say? Oh, he already has my friend.
THE LEGEND OF ED PAFF JR.
Ed Paff Jr. was born to rocket scientist Ed Paff Sr. and Claire Paff on March 24th 1980. He was born how most geniuses are born: ugly as sin. He actually won the ?ugliest baby in Alabama? contest in 1981, and if you?ve ever been to Alabama, you know that?s no easy feat. It was later found that by a miraculous feat of nature, Claire?s breasts were not pumping milk, but rather Bailey?s Irish Cream. Once the problem was remedied, and he was on the bottle, he became much more normal looking, more active, and he no longer had such a hard time developing words. It was the only point in Ed?s life that hitting the bottle had these results.
As Ed grew up, his family decided to move from Huntsville, Alabama to Cincinnati, OH. Whether it was his dad?s hankering for chili, or the fact that Cincy was the headquarters for Hustler Magazine, the Paff family was heading for the town with the greatest motto in America. ?Cincinnati: Its like Kentucky, only its not?.
Although young Ed had a hard time adjusting to school at first, he found that the fumes from the local refinery calmed his nerves significantly. The teacher liked that it caused a stall in his hyperactivity, so with an open window and a happy heart, Ed Paff Jr., slightly buzzed, got his education at Archbishop Moeller High School, which was known for 2 things: Its winning football team and its sign that proudly announced ?No Molestings in 472 days.? (changed daily, of course)
One day while Ed was walking school, he noticed a sign that said ?Special Ed?. ?Well, shucks,? he thought ?I must be one popular guys to get my own room.? And in he went. Only when his fifth period teacher noticed that Ed was late for his home economics class (he made the best strudel in the entire class) that the situation was remedied. When Ed later explained what had happened, there were discussions about letting him stay.
During this time, Ed developed a love for the sport of hockey. Coming from Huntsville, Alabama, the ?hockey capital of the south?, he became interested in skating on the many frozen lakes in Alabama?s blustery winter nights. After almost drowning twice, Ed also decided to take swimming lessons. This helped make his transition to Cincinnati ?The swimming capital of Southern Ohio? that much easier. Ed loved to prance and twirl upon the ice, making figure eights and doing triple axles to impress his friends. After getting beat up several times, he stopped with the triple axles but found that the figure eights were still ok, as long as he said he was actually making boobs on the ice.
Also during this time, Ed joined a Pastoral Ministry program. Although not a highly religious person, Ed grew spiritually through this. So much so, that he actually became a minister with the Universal Life Church. Though the minutes it took to fill out his internet form were grueling, Ed was rewarded one hour later when he was contacted via email. He was now The Reverend Ed Paff Jr., and could officially start his own church. He played around with artsy names for his church like Over A Rainbow Stands Allah and On A River, Satan Asphyxiates, but none of them really clicked, so he shelved starting his own church for the time being to concentrate on his hobbies and school.
Finally the day came: Ed Paff Jr. graduated from high school in 1998, and decided, following Jesus? example, to pick a life of danger, pain and poverty. And so he enrolled at The University of Cincinnati. Ed?s grades had miraculously picked up by that time, and he was able to get into the college of Engineering, where he labored for 5 years to get his degree, only to never use it in a real life situation. Degree in Engineering? F**k that, he decided to sling sausage while the slinging was good, and he?s a better man for it. But I?m getting ahead of myself.
Part 2 Coming Soon…
Pretty good isn’t he? Yeah he has a major in English from Ohio State and is currently cookin’ burgers for a living. :) I told him that this could be the start of his career. Here is a link to the thread on the board…
Anyway, Kim and I are driving back to Cincinnati tonight. Hopefully we have a fun weekend and get to see everyone once again. Have a great and safe memorial day weekend…