The Legend of Ed Paff Jr. (abridged from the full legend of Ed Paff Jr, later re-named The Odyssey written by Homer)

Forward: Throughout the ages, very few men have attained the status of Hero. Fewer still could be called Legends. Only one man, Ed Paff Jr. has the ability to not only be a legend, but to be worshipped as a new God. One day children will kneel before the statue of the man called Ed and praise the name of Paff, drinker of alcohol, loser of shoes, and collector of girls whose names begin with the letter K. Mostly, however, he will ever be known as The Creator…of oarsa.org, the Bible for all who listen to the band OAR. Long after Ed ascends on his flaming chariot into the heaven reserved only for the truly gifted, his work, oarsa, will continue to be available as the resource for all things OAR. God Bless Ed Paff Jr., you say? Oh, he already has my friend.

THE LEGEND OF ED PAFF JR.

Part 1 : Early Childhood through College

Ed Paff Jr. was born to rocket scientist Ed Paff Sr. and Claire Paff on March 24th 1980. He was born how most geniuses are born: ugly as sin. He actually won the “ugliest baby in Alabama” contest in 1981, and if you’ve ever been to Alabama, you know that’s no easy feat. It was later found that by a miraculous feat of nature, Claire’s breasts were not pumping milk, but rather Bailey’s Irish Cream. Once the problem was remedied, and he was on the bottle, he became much more normal looking, more active, and he no longer had such a hard time developing words. It was the only point in Ed’s life that hitting the bottle had these results.

As Ed grew up, his family decided to move from Huntsville, Alabama to Cincinnati, OH. Whether it was his dad’s hankering for chili, or the fact that Cincy was the headquarters for Hustler Magazine, the Paff family was heading for the town with the greatest motto in America. “Cincinnati: Its like Kentucky, only its not”.

Although young Ed had a hard time adjusting to school at first, he found that the fumes from the local refinery calmed his nerves significantly. The teacher liked that it caused a stall in his hyperactivity, so with an open window and a happy heart, Ed Paff Jr., slightly buzzed, got his education at Archbishop Moeller High School, which was known for 2 things: Its winning football team and its sign that proudly announced “No Molestings in 472 days.” (changed daily, of course)

One day while Ed was walking to school, he noticed a sign that said “Special Ed”. “Well, shucks,” he thought “I must be one popular guy to get my own room.” And in he went. It was only when his fifth period teacher noticed that Ed was late for his home economics class (he made the best strudel in the entire class) that the situation was remedied. When Ed later explained what had happened, there were discussions about letting him stay.

During this time, Ed developed a love for the sport of hockey. Coming from Huntsville, Alabama, the “hockey capital of the south”, he became interested in skating on the many frozen lakes in Alabama’s blustery winter nights. After almost drowning twice, Ed also decided to take swimming lessons. This helped make his transition to Cincinnati “The swimming capital of Southern Ohio” that much easier. Ed loved to prance and twirl upon the ice, making figure eights and doing triple axles to impress his friends. After getting beat up several times, he stopped with the triple axles but found that the figure eights were still ok, as long as he said he was actually making boobs on the ice.

Also during this time, Ed joined a Pastoral Ministry program. Although not a highly religious person, Ed grew spiritually through this. So much so, that he actually became a minister with the Universal Life Church. Though the minutes it took to fill out his internet form were grueling, Ed was rewarded one hour later when he was contacted via email. He was now The Reverend Ed Paff Jr., and could officially start his own church. He played around with artsy names for his church like Over A Rainbow Stands Allah and On A River, Satan Asphyxiates, but none of them really clicked, so he shelved starting his own church for the time being to concentrate on his hobbies and school.

Finally the day came: Ed Paff Jr. graduated from high school in 1998, and decided, following Jesus’ example, to pick a life of danger, pain and poverty. And so he enrolled at The University of Cincinnati. Ed’s grades had miraculously picked up by that time, and he was able to get into the college of Engineering, where he labored for 5 years to get his degree, only to never use it in a real life situation. Degree in Engineering? F**k that, he decided to sling sausage while the slinging was good, and he’s a better man for it. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Part 2 : The Rise of Duckfood – Present Day

Ed had always listened to music, except for that one year he stuck a q-tip too deep in his ear. At this time, however, he was a casual fan. He went to the occasional concert (usually Dave Matthews Band) but wasn’t really too big into the music scene. That all changed when his brother, Tim, made him listen to “That Was A Crazy Game of Poker” by that band that has that name of the thing you row with. From then on, he would never be the same. He saw his first show at Bogarts, a small club known primarily for kicking Ed out, on 9/23/2000. He was blown away by the 4 guys on stage jamming out and having a good time. It was like he was born a 3rd time (Ed was actually born, crawled back in, and was yanked out again by the umbilical chord, so the phrasing “born again” doesn’t really work here).

His lust for live music sparked, he joined the OAR tape trader’s board (the early precursor to oarfans.com), where he met many like-minded people. In fact, some of those people were right there in good old Cincinnati, and after going to a few shows and meeting with them, he decided to room with 3 of those young rapscallions: Liam, Ryan, and Nick.

Although he didn’t know it at the time, big things were in the works for Ed, and his decision to move in with the 3 of them would ultimately change his life. In late 2001, Ed and Ryan (or Fighty, as was his stage name) decided to form a band. Ed was on vocals, Fighty was on guitar (and drums), and Liam with the occasional guesting on cowbell. There were a few other people from Cincy, too, but they aren’t really important to the story.

And so Duckfood was formed. They started from humble beginnings, opening for opening bands. Often playing in front of just Liam, they wondered if the band would ever truly take off. One day, however, Ed got a call from Marc Roberge, lead singer from OAR. Ed answered the phone, and Marc said “Who is this? Oh, Ed? Sorry, I dialed the wrong number.” That phone call stayed with young Ed Paff and gave him the strength to continue his singing career.

Then one day they got their big break. They played in front of a capacity crowd at 112 W. Oakland Ave in Columbus OH (once named Vedder Arena, the naming rights have since been bought by Cialis. They don’t let concerts last more than 4 hours without medical attention). They performed a mix of samples, teasers, and covers to an overwhelmed audience. Aaron “Weeba” Weeberson was immediately signed on to manage, and what happened next can only be called scrumtrulescent.

Duckfood’s metoric rise to the top was fueled by Ed’s screeching vocals and Fighty’s screeching guitar riffs. Every now and then Liam would make a screeching sound by running his finger up and down the cowbell. They thought about changing their name from Duckfood to Owlfood to accommodate their style, but decided against it for marketability purposes.

The pinnacle of their career came in March 2003 when they played in front of dozens at 223 Bosley in Cincinnati. They opened for Pseudopod who opened for Marc Broussard who opened for OAR. This festival was called Marchtober. Duckfood played all of their hits, such as “The Stone at 2x speed” and “Half of The Joker before Ed forgets the lyrics”. Sadly, this was to be one of the last times they would play together. After the show, there were several incidents such as a girl throwing a bottle, DMX sightings (they were in the middle of a heated Midwest/West Coast feud at the time), and a lady throwing rocks at the band and the band’s friends. It had gotten to be too much stress on the young frontman.

During this up and down roller coaster ride that was Duckfood, Ed made a habit out of traveling to see his favorite band, Ore. He’d follow them, basking in the 5 members (they added a trumpet or something) on stage performing. Watching them, Ed decided that although Duckfood was an important part of his life, he couldn’t do it forever. After a hiatus due to creative differences, Ed announced that he was moving to Kansas City to be with the one he loved. After Fighty said he was staying in Cincinnati, he decided to move to KC anyway with a girl named Kim.

Life in Kansas City was rough for a while. As mentioned earlier, Ed was unable to find an engineering job and so took a job with Hickory Farms setting up sausage stands in Kansas City, “The Sausage Capital of the Midwest”. Eventually, however, Optimal Solutions Inc utilized his computer and engineering skills in a quality assurance capacity. This made Kim, who was tired of hearing stories about how much sausage Ed was handling, very happy.

Part 3 : OARSA.ORG

Edison gave us the light bulb. Bell gave us the telephone. Some guy somewhere figured out sliced bread was a really, really good idea. All of these ideas are complete crap compared to oarsa.org. God is kicking himself for not thinking of it first. That’s how great it is. For those of you who dwell in caves, living off grubs and bats, oarsa.org is the Of A Revolution Setlist Archive. It is the bible for all things OAR. If you need a setlist since 1999 or if you want to see when a song was played, you can go to oarsa. If you want to see how many times you’ve seen a song played, or which songs you haven’t yet seen live, you can go to oarsa. If you need direction in your life, and you feel like you have no where to turn, go get therapy, then pop in an OAR cd and go to oarsa.

Ed thought up the idea after taking down setlist after setlist at shows. One day, he decided that through the vast network of the message board, if he could get one person to take down the setlist at every show, he could have a comprehensive online list of every show date, venue, and song played that anyone could use for a reference material. He even made friends with the band so that when they play in places that no one inhabits (like Canada or Iowa), they can still give him the setlist, and its there for anyone’s reference, even if they just played for a hillbilly, 3 bears and a squirrel.

Paff 3:16. For Ed Paff so loved the world, that he gave it oarsa.org.

THE SECOND COMING

With OARSA v2 now no longer just a twinkle in his eye, Ed Paff Jr. has done what no one could have imagined. He took a perfect setlist archive, looked at it, and spit upon perfection. The new v2 is so good, that it is a step above perfection. So seamless is it that a new word had to be created just to describe its flawlessness: Pafflawless.

One day when your children are online, looking up setlists, you will be able to relate the story about the man who started it all. You’ll look at your children and with a tear in your eye be able to say “Ed Paff Jr. was born to rocket scientist Ed Paff Sr. and Claire Paff on March 24th 1980…”

So Ends the Legend of Ed Paff Jr (for now)