Your idea of a three-way is chili over spaghetti topped with cheddar. (Had a three-way last night!)
You know what goetta is – and you’ve eaten it. (Just had it recently)
You hate Cleveland, but you don’t know why, and you’ve never been there. (But I have been to Cleveland, it’s a dump :)
You think Pete Rose and Marge Schott were railroaded.
You say “Please?” instead of “Excuse me?” (I say “What?” or “Huh?”)
You think Northern Kentucky is part of Ohio.
You’ve been to California, Wyoming, Coney Island, and Over-the-Rhine in one day.
There are less than 100 murders a year, and you still think you’re in Detroit. (Detroit is a dump too :)
You think Dayton is a Third World country.
What groundhog? It’s the St. Patrick’s Day parade leprechaun that forecasts how much longer winter will last.
Losing football teams draw more fans than winning baseball teams.
Indiana is about 20 miles away, but it takes about four hours to get there (especially for Christmas)
It’s too cold in the winter, and too hot and humid in the summer, to ever stay outside for very long.
You drive to Columbus or Louisville to avoid the prices at the Cincinnati airport. (Indianapolis for me)
City council members hold debates on whether or not they should debate in the first place.
Tourists still flock downtown to catch a glimpse of cast members from “WKRP,” even though the show hasn’t aired on network television since 1984, and the show was filmed in LA anyway. (I must be too young)
You ask lifetime residents where the President Taft house is, but they don’t know either. (I have no clue)
If you do something — anything — in public long enough, sooner or later it will be banned.
Your low-fat diet is never low enough to exclude Graeter’s ice cream.
You get through winter listening to Marty and Joe’s broadcasts from the grapefruit leagues.
Big Red Smokies are a ballpark treat, not cause to dial 9-1-1. (Not a treat for me)
If necessary, the city could easily be sliced into two new cities: East and West, and it would take 20 years for anyone to notice something happened. (Kim and i might notice)
Chocolate and cinnamon, not peppers and beans, are in your chili.
You can drive 30 minutes in any direction to hear a different accent than your own. (Florence Y’all)
You can accurately judge people’s social status by which Kroger’s store they frequent.
You can go to any church festival in any neighborhood on any weekend and see at least five people you either work with, went to school with, or dated.
Even the slightest mention of former baseball commissioner A. Bartlett Giamatti makes your blood boil and your ears steam.
If the temperature hits 45 degrees, and the sun comes out in any month between November and April, people walk around downtown wearing shades and no jackets.
The top stories on the local 6 o’clock evening news look suspiciously like the articles you read in the newspaper that very morning — and even use the same quotes.
Any carbonated beverage is a “coke.” (or pop)
Your favorite convenient store sounds like a labor union. (UDF)
You can’t hear the words “Mike Brown” without getting angry.
You honestly believe that Pete Rose should be in the Baseball Hall Fame. (Why not?)
You have more stadiums, coliseums, and arenas than you know what to do with.
It doesn’t seem weird to you that everyone has an Uncle Al. (I only have a Great Uncle Al)
Your favorite Coney Island isn’t in New York. (New York has a Coney Island too?)
You like Nick Clooney better than George Clooney.
You know how Jerry Springer got his start.
You know what a pony keg is. (The beer container or the drive thru?)
You have friends and neighbors with names like Machenheimer, Guckenberger, Schlottman, Schoenling, and Schweitering. (Just the Burch’s)
You know that cars (like eggs) are cheaper in the country.
An all-boys or all-girls school doesn’t seem that odd to you. (Go Big Moe!)
You think a mixed marriage is when an East Sider marries a West Sider.
You know the difference between Hudy and “Who Dey.”
You know what cream ale is, and you think that cream soda should be bright red.
You think Kentucky is only slightly more civilized than Afghanistan.
You know in which state the Greater Cincinnati Airport is located.
You actually understand the word, “CRAVE” and white castle burgers. (Sliders)
You can almost name the seven “hills” minus one or two. (Again I have no clue)
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Cincinnati. (Sorry to anyone who isn’t from Cincinnati)